Some of you my not realise this, many of you will.
My father walked out on us many years ago now.
Now, over the years, this has affected me less and less, and we were never really close. Apart from the verbal abuse and the occasional physical abuse, things were rather distant between us, with a lot of ‘tip-toeing’ around the place in case we disturbed him or upset him somehow. We occasionally did things together; like perhaps go to a movie, or even the Melbourne Show, but those times were rather tense, and felt almost forced. The majority of the time was spent trying not to upset him, say something that he disagreed with or simply not saying anything at all to avoid confrontation.
My whole childhood was spent like this to some extent; either trying to avoid confrontation, or simply trying to escape it once it hit.
I couldn’t have friends over often, as that upset him. After a while, I stopped asking them over anyway, as it was just easier to have them avoid the house entirely. I wouldn’t be allowed to stay at a friend’s place very often, and I would need to give notice and let him know exactly when I would return. any later, and all hell would break loose.
I couldn’t sleep with my bedroom door closed, as he didn’t trust me. So for the most part, I would have to have the door open. One time I closed it to see what would happen… The door was kicked in, he yelled “You want it closed?! then HERE, have it closed!!” he then slammed the door so hard, that the door frame was dislodged, and it took me 30 minutes to open it again.
To this day, I still close the bedroom door every night.
Many things still upset me about that period of my life, but if there is one thing I have learned from it all, it’s this.
“If you let one event in your past define who you are in the present, then that event has won.”
If I let these events and bad memories from my childhood affect who I become as an adult, then he has won. I will NOT let that happen, and am doing everything I can to be nothing like him.
At this time of year though, Fathers Day, I tend to get a little nostalgic. Not about my own childhood, but about a stereotypical father-figure, the kind that the ads and the movies depict. A lot of my friends have really awesome dads who they all do things with, and enjoy hanging out together. Even a simple beer at the pub, or a trip to the footy.
Part of me feels that I was cheated of these experiences, but I know that some people never get to know their fathers. I am not complaining, by any means, however in some ways I wish that if it was possible to do it all again, I would prefer not knowing my father, if he was going to act the way he did.
Father’s day is always difficult to see most of the other people around me celebrating and giving gifts. The last Father’s day I remember actually giving him a gift, by the end of the day the gift had been thrown through a wall out of anger, over a trivial little thing. After that, I stopped buying him gifts.
This post has become a bit of a rant now, but my point was simply to express how I can sometimes be a little upset around Father’s Day. sometimes I don’t even realise why, but all of the advertising and commercials subliminally get me in a down mood. I only realised this morning when I was laying in bed listening to the radio that it was coming up (Remember, I work in the advertising industry!) and I was finally able to put two and two together. I was in a bit of a distant mood yesterday, and that was possibly the reason.
But as I said, the past events will not define who I am to become.
Although upset about the day, my life goes on, and I put it behind me. I look at the positive things in my life, and ignore the negatives. Life is too short to worry about anything and everything. Lately I have had too many negative things in my life; from people, events and family drama. But where possible, these things are cut from my life, discarded ad forgotten. These things are not worth my constant worry and distress.
Don’t get me wrong, I am always happy to help a friend or even a stranger, but if the person is simply wanting to dump their worries and not want to try to better them, or move forward, then there is nothing I can do for them. I have my own worries and stresses, and I simply don’t have time to sympathise with these people about things that will never change simply by their own choice.
Life goes on, and if you aren’t quick, you’ll miss it.
Enjoy every moment you possibly can!